Jealousy is a Pity Thing I Enjoy

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Will you? Won’t you just tell them how you feel? That you think they are wonderfully made, talented and wise. They are artistic and compassionate. Will you? Won’t you just share how fond of her you are? How beautiful you value her taste in music and color? Will you? Won’t you step on top of your jealousy today, this once, and compliment him. If you are jealous, there must be a reason; a drive to have what they have. Will you? Won’t you just admire it up close and personal that you can learn to acquire it yourself? Jealousy is a pity with a negative tone; I see it an opportunity to illuminate on your heart’s desires. Her voice drives you crazy because you want one like it. His smile and swag makes you roll your eyes because you aren’t that calm and collected. What makes you jealous? Will you? Won’t you step on jealousy and take initiative to gain that in which you desire this time? Just this once. See how it moves your life.

 

 

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Lost in Vivia

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I tend to clench my teeth a lot. I get lost in my mind. My hopes are always to high and my nose always itches. I do believe that means someone special is thinking about me. I’m in love with two men. One, I fear, is a boy yet. I turned 50 when I was 16. When a door closes, I’ll open a window and normally land face first in the pavement. Sometimes there has been a mattress…others, I have deserved the fall. I color my hair and spend loads of money on it, excusing my actions because this symbolizes change. I’m saving for an apartment and car but am going to make a tattoo appointment because I’ve wanted this longer and don’t have those responsibilities at the moment. I justify my actions very well and creatively. I want to marry rich to a man that I love. The voiceless work in fear, the fearless work hard to speak and sing for the voiceless. The voiceless seem to almost never get the memo. The fearless moves forward and making the best of the life. 

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I work multiple jobs to enjoy a variety of personalities in different atmospheres. All my cares about my money, all my cares about my future can’t steal the satisfaction I gain from helping people prospering. I want to play instruments, but if others could do it for me while I sing, that’d be divine. I would love to design outfits, but you can sew them. I would enjoy interior design, but you can help make up my mind. I’m not lazy, simply indecisive. I try to spell your name and it drives me crazy enough to let it fly away in a paper airplane….crumpled, stomped on only into the hands of someone else before they throw you away. There’s still more paper. I’ll get over you when you let me.

 

Life is a beauty. Life is a hot mess. Life has its tragedies and its bliss. I’m not passive, but I’ll choose bliss overall. I’ll mess up a whole crowd of people if it means obedience to God. Its often hard to just sweet talk when I was old news to you then. I’m not one to be surface. We are black and white. Friends or not. Dating or not. Glued or separate and broken. You’re the man, you choose. I slept through the summer while you made lies to make this linger. I shout I’m fine and all is fair, but I sleep and have nightmares I believe to derive from the stress you place in mind and on my shoulders. I wish you’d leave. Or stay. Decide. I’m indecisive. To think you thought to yourself of me, “I deserve you.” Grow up and a pair, a chip on the shoulder, dot your T’s and tell me when your mind’s made up.

 

The best way to predict your future is to create it. So I’ll pretend to paint until I can, play the piano until I feel “I’m the man!” Be the cool cat at your parties until I’m the center of attention. Make cats cool to the dog lovers. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, all about high hopes and transparency. They knock it down like a sludge hammer on a red bell, pride awards them “wise.” I disagree.

 

I get lost in my mind.

 

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How Is The Tiling Business?

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I carved the apple with my teeth

I saw your scars hid underneath

I used to worry about the tide

I sat and watched you as you dreamed

I hoped you’d run harder than it seemed

I spoke a few words, opening deep

I now just sleep beneath your thoughts

I am she in the corner of your mind

I hoped you’d be one to forgive

I lost my heights along the line

I sit on February 14th all the time

I think you’d open up your seat

I hear you say “reserved” and see you wink at me

I get lost in my mind

I say bottle these dreams on repeat

I still see your open seat

I used to worry about the tide

I’m still that girl in the corner of your mind

I whistle and rub my ear when I think of you

I wrinkle my nose and think its because of you

I don’t worry about you

I think about you all the time

I’ll marry and you’ll still be there

I see you, the boy always in the corner of my mind

 

 

 

What Color Best Describes Your Life? Why?

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Green. I have seen green over my life before I recognized it was before me.

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When I’ve traveled willingly, and sometimes fearfully into the unknown all alone

I’ve drowned each time

In twenty-three houses I’ve lived

In hurtful situations I’ve lingered while prospering

Looking forward to the new change

Watching that boat drown or sail from me in the next moment

Green: A color of peace by its power to relieve stress…

It was my help, the color of my Savior

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I’ve sat in it

In the midst of its new life; Spring

A new season, a different story

I looked at its beauty and inhaled its freshness

I watched as it changed to blue

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A midst playing the damsel in distress

I grew creative

Calmed evermore and happily blue

My artistic abilities were inflamed by this deep, electrifying, enticing hue

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Creatively, I moved forward

New adventures, new ideas, new dreams

The same dreams of the old,

When I was a little girl

Now growing as a flower

From the dirt to the sun

A peace passing all understanding

Brought me to be this way.

Green to blue is my life hue.

 

 

If you had $1 million at your disposal to give away, what would you do with the money?

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I’d like to say my first action would be to give to those in need,

However I know how trying that is.

I’d need the money to be out of sight, to be out of mind, firstly and for a while

Without it in sight,

I know I would give it away to my dreams

Rather than a tattoo,

Rather than a new hair coloring,

Rather than rent and other bills,

Plane tickets and clothing,

I’d build my safe house.

A lighthouse looking building 

Each floor designed to train women in the arts,

Women who’ve been sexually trafficked, abused, exposed…

They’d build their resume here. They’d live here.

They’d meet opportunity to start all over here.

They’d be restored back to a place of honor,

Back to a place of recognizing who they are what they live for.

I would give away $1 million to nurturing the abused.

Vivia

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To those collecting tattoo’s as to express their inner-man, I feel we must ask questions. What do they mean? Why did you choose this and that color? Why do you continue to get more? Simply because it is addicting? Does it bring you to ease at some level? Is it out of rebellion?

     These tattoo’s remind me of things forgotten. I have but one tattoo on my forearm. In Hebrew, it reads a note I wrote myself in times of thinking of suicide and smoking the green and drinking the red, choking my stomach from ever being fed. This tattoo is for me, and not for any other purpose than to remind me (as it reads), “I am not a burden to You (Jesus), I am the rose. My weaknesses cannot intimidate You; You call me the lily.” After years of playing and forced as a victim, I was beginning to decide “No longer!” A new name was given to me, a nickname! Vivia. I enjoy it as the name derives from “Vivian” (my great-grandmother’s name) meaning “Lively”. Over the passed three years, that is what I’ve finally become! Alive. No longer living to see my next punishment from Lucifer due to my choosing Jesus.

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When my hallelujah grew tired, I did everything in my will to advance the process of dying without committing suicide by any other means outside of drugs, cigarettes, overdose, anorexia and bulimia. For me, color speaks a million words and more. 

                Consider your favorite cafe. What color are the walls? Does the interior design play a factor as to why you choose to return? The teal walls bring me to a calm place and excite my creativity! Though I may cease tattoo’s, and one be enough for me, coloring my hair, changing my clothing and makeup is a way for me to express “Change”.

                Change came, and I cut my hair short after those 2 years of court hearings in opposition to my Dad’s sexual abuse. Change came, and I colored my hair bright blonde when I met the boy of my dreams.Change came, and I grew my hair out and colored it darker after his family shunned me from their community. Change was on its way, and I colored it blonde again before committing 8 months of my life to inner-healing in Kansas City. Change came, and I colored my hair darker as it continued to grow longer and I graduated from that length of counseling. Change came, I colored my hair blonde after my friend Carson was killed by a drunk driver and I needed to move forward and nearer to family in the dark time. Due to no color consultation by an “expert” stylist at a high-end salon, she put too many chemicals in my hair and the length that symbolized my patience grown, fused gone. Change came, and wore a scarf. Colorful scarves on my head until it began to grow back. This time, I’d learned more and more about myself, my confidence, what I needed and what I need to stop focusing on so much. I’ve always had compliments on my hair color and style, on my face details and my heart. But I needed to rest and to begin understanding and letting in these compliments versus receiving halfway and letting them fall open-ended. 

   Now, change is happening. As it will only continue to, and I am declaring LIFE! I am declaring A COLORFUL LIFE! In the midst of my Dad’s prison release, in the midst of that dream boy coming home and deciding to pursue me or let me go, in the midst of the suspense that could kill me, I choose LIFE! I choose in the midst of my family more separated and supportive of individual decisions to forgive and accept my father as a new man, I do choose LIFE! In the midst of missing Kansas City and all of its offerings to me, where people got to know me as I wanted to be recognized: hard-working, living alive, a writer, a dancer, a singer, an entrepreneur, an event coordinator, a dreamer and a doer getting parties started and feeding those who need be fed.

                    To remind myself, to help myself to feel ALIVE as VIVIA, I’ll color my hair again. Red. Such a lively color influencing hunger. I no longer fight with Ana (Anorexia). Red: I will no longer drink an entire bottle, or few, of wine to myself. RED: Jesus’ blood spilled so that I might live alive. ALIVE IN ME, VIVIA. In this Minnesota dragging winter, I’ll keep alive and faithful to protect the healing I received. I hold color as a priority, and it is something therapeutic for me.

  What is your therapy?

The Red Head, come November 14th, 2013

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Falling Into You

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I’ll confess I still am scared sometimes

My hope can erupt my heart with anything unsettling to push the bar

Away for the hope invested through time

By stories of old, moved by testimonies of my own

If your hopes are not up,

Then aren’t they down?

How thick are boundaries?

How tall all are the bricks?

How wide are breaks?

I’m letting go,

Falling into a plan destined for me to follow

Not that I’ve controlled

Not that I’ve created

What happens today, I know of

Tomorrow be a surprise

I’m letting go,

Falling into You