Vivia

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To those collecting tattoo’s as to express their inner-man, I feel we must ask questions. What do they mean? Why did you choose this and that color? Why do you continue to get more? Simply because it is addicting? Does it bring you to ease at some level? Is it out of rebellion?

     These tattoo’s remind me of things forgotten. I have but one tattoo on my forearm. In Hebrew, it reads a note I wrote myself in times of thinking of suicide and smoking the green and drinking the red, choking my stomach from ever being fed. This tattoo is for me, and not for any other purpose than to remind me (as it reads), “I am not a burden to You (Jesus), I am the rose. My weaknesses cannot intimidate You; You call me the lily.” After years of playing and forced as a victim, I was beginning to decide “No longer!” A new name was given to me, a nickname! Vivia. I enjoy it as the name derives from “Vivian” (my great-grandmother’s name) meaning “Lively”. Over the passed three years, that is what I’ve finally become! Alive. No longer living to see my next punishment from Lucifer due to my choosing Jesus.

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When my hallelujah grew tired, I did everything in my will to advance the process of dying without committing suicide by any other means outside of drugs, cigarettes, overdose, anorexia and bulimia. For me, color speaks a million words and more. 

                Consider your favorite cafe. What color are the walls? Does the interior design play a factor as to why you choose to return? The teal walls bring me to a calm place and excite my creativity! Though I may cease tattoo’s, and one be enough for me, coloring my hair, changing my clothing and makeup is a way for me to express “Change”.

                Change came, and I cut my hair short after those 2 years of court hearings in opposition to my Dad’s sexual abuse. Change came, and I colored my hair bright blonde when I met the boy of my dreams.Change came, and I grew my hair out and colored it darker after his family shunned me from their community. Change was on its way, and I colored it blonde again before committing 8 months of my life to inner-healing in Kansas City. Change came, and I colored my hair darker as it continued to grow longer and I graduated from that length of counseling. Change came, I colored my hair blonde after my friend Carson was killed by a drunk driver and I needed to move forward and nearer to family in the dark time. Due to no color consultation by an “expert” stylist at a high-end salon, she put too many chemicals in my hair and the length that symbolized my patience grown, fused gone. Change came, and wore a scarf. Colorful scarves on my head until it began to grow back. This time, I’d learned more and more about myself, my confidence, what I needed and what I need to stop focusing on so much. I’ve always had compliments on my hair color and style, on my face details and my heart. But I needed to rest and to begin understanding and letting in these compliments versus receiving halfway and letting them fall open-ended. 

   Now, change is happening. As it will only continue to, and I am declaring LIFE! I am declaring A COLORFUL LIFE! In the midst of my Dad’s prison release, in the midst of that dream boy coming home and deciding to pursue me or let me go, in the midst of the suspense that could kill me, I choose LIFE! I choose in the midst of my family more separated and supportive of individual decisions to forgive and accept my father as a new man, I do choose LIFE! In the midst of missing Kansas City and all of its offerings to me, where people got to know me as I wanted to be recognized: hard-working, living alive, a writer, a dancer, a singer, an entrepreneur, an event coordinator, a dreamer and a doer getting parties started and feeding those who need be fed.

                    To remind myself, to help myself to feel ALIVE as VIVIA, I’ll color my hair again. Red. Such a lively color influencing hunger. I no longer fight with Ana (Anorexia). Red: I will no longer drink an entire bottle, or few, of wine to myself. RED: Jesus’ blood spilled so that I might live alive. ALIVE IN ME, VIVIA. In this Minnesota dragging winter, I’ll keep alive and faithful to protect the healing I received. I hold color as a priority, and it is something therapeutic for me.

  What is your therapy?

The Red Head, come November 14th, 2013

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